i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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