I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
