The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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