i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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