i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
