It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
