not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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