Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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