I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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