if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
