Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
