Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
