dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
