Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She swung at the pinata with crutches
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
