So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
