I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
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I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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