That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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