Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
