You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
