I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Holy sore nipples Batman
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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