I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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