Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We need to get me chipped asap
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
