I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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