shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
