So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
