all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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