Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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