I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
