I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
