the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
