Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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