Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Operation Purity has been aborted
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
