Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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