boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
