I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
