So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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