I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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