what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
