I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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