Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
