there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
