I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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