Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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