There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
