evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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