you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
