i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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