when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
