somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
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Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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