My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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