totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
