mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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