i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
