Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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