you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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